depression...

Is my reality. I grit my teeth most of the time due to the pain of it. It sits in the bottom of my stomach like a lead weight draining my energy and any willpower that I might have had. The rare and short times when I am not depressed I am so grateful not to be that I can only think of enjoyig that fleeting moment. And why not be depressed? There is so much to be sad about after all. Usually it is about Rie who left and never said goodbye. I miss her more than I can say.

this is not a manifesto...

I should note that this isn't some sort of manifesto. I have no intention of harming anyone or of doig anything thta might cause harm to anyone. I am simply trying to work out who I am and where I am going in life.

loneliness...

Is waking up alone, and then giong through the motions of your day without seeing another human being, and then going to bed alone. And knowing that it will be the same tommorrow.

clarity of thought...

It would be good to be able to still my mind long enough to focus on one idea. To be able to follow a thought through to it's logical end without drifiting into painful memories and fantasies of having done it something properly the first go round. I seem more able to thin clearly late at night as I am going to bed or early in the morining when I first wake up. Sometimes when I wake I am focused on a sinlge thought with such clarity that it is going to be a life changing event. An epiphany. And an hour later it is gone.

On god...

I recognize that a belief in god or some higher power would be of great help to me. I see many people who are evidently quite content with their beliefs and whose lives are made fuller. Church would also open up  to me a social circle. Unfortunately, I don't believe in god. Not much to argue about I guess. For me the feeling just isn't there. So the sense of security I would evidently feel if I believed, I don't. And the social connections I would gain through membership in church...I don't have.

i can feel it coming.

I am afraid to leave the house. Afraid of people. Work. School. Afraid of life. I am aware that I cannot continue like this indefinitely. Eventually the outside world will catch up to me. Eventually I will have to make a decision about myself and my life. The more I winnow my life down to its bare essentials the closer I come to making a decision. The less I care about the easier the idea is. The less I own the less I have to lose. The less I owe the less I feel guilty about. I sense a future where my decision making process will be subject to a  binary solution. I am not sure that I have the intellect or sanity to properly carry through with that logic route. I suspect in the end my answer will be the result of emotion rather than logic. It usually is. So be it.