clarity of thought...

It would be good to be able to still my mind long enough to focus on one idea. To be able to follow a thought through to it's logical end without drifiting into painful memories and fantasies of having done it something properly the first go round. I seem more able to thin clearly late at night as I am going to bed or early in the morining when I first wake up. Sometimes when I wake I am focused on a sinlge thought with such clarity that it is going to be a life changing event. An epiphany. And an hour later it is gone.

On god...

I recognize that a belief in god or some higher power would be of great help to me. I see many people who are evidently quite content with their beliefs and whose lives are made fuller. Church would also open up  to me a social circle. Unfortunately, I don't believe in god. Not much to argue about I guess. For me the feeling just isn't there. So the sense of security I would evidently feel if I believed, I don't. And the social connections I would gain through membership in church...I don't have.

i can feel it coming.

I am afraid to leave the house. Afraid of people. Work. School. Afraid of life. I am aware that I cannot continue like this indefinitely. Eventually the outside world will catch up to me. Eventually I will have to make a decision about myself and my life. The more I winnow my life down to its bare essentials the closer I come to making a decision. The less I care about the easier the idea is. The less I own the less I have to lose. The less I owe the less I feel guilty about. I sense a future where my decision making process will be subject to a  binary solution. I am not sure that I have the intellect or sanity to properly carry through with that logic route. I suspect in the end my answer will be the result of emotion rather than logic. It usually is. So be it.